Mrs. Larson?

It, uh...

It won't be much Ionger, Mrs. Larson.

WeII, is he in a Iot of pain?

No. No, no. There wiII be
No more pain for your husband.

He's heavily sedated.

OK. I think I'm gonna go
send IittIe HaI in now.

No. No, no. I don't think
that's such a good idea.

With aII the pain kiIIers, uh...

the reverend's not exactIy himseIf.

Look, I think my boy has a right
to say goodbye to his father.

I mean, the man means
everything in the worId to him.

WeII... your caII.

Nurse?

Yes, Reverend Larson?

- Did you see the cowboy?
- The cowboy?

The cowboy who gave me
the singing nickeI in Pudding Town?

OK. I think it's time
to turn down the morphine drip.

Reverend Larson, your son is here.

OK, sure. Send her in.

Ladies? A IittIe privacy.

(wheezy coughing)

Dad?

It's me, Dad. HaI.

Oh.

GIad you're here, kiddo.
Got a few things to teII ya.

First, I want you to promise
that no matter what you do in Iife,

you wiII never ever settIe for average.

Yes, sir.

Second, don't be satisfied
with routine poontang.

Huh?

Don't do what I did.

I married for Iove, and your mother
Betty has been a nightmare.

But, Dad, Mom's name is Marian.

Listen to me. I'm giving you pearIs here.

And third, find yourseIf...

a cIassic beauty...

with a perfect can... and great totties.

That wiII put you in good stead
with the Lord. It's aII in here.

Yes, sir.

Hot young taiI's what it's aII about.

Hot... young... taiI.

I'II make you proud, Papa.

(* ''Members Only'' by Sheryl Crow)

* Uncle Larry's hooked on ice again

* He seems to be stuck in the '80s

* He wears his Members Only jacket

* Cos he thinks it turns on all the ladies

* And all the white folks shake their asses

* Looking for the two and four

* l'll have mine in martini glasses

* Cos l can't take it any more

* These are the days of empty kitchens

* The rise and fall of Mary Ellen's hair do...

Jackass, can you not hear me down there?

I don't want anything to do with you,
you IittIe warthog.

You had me at ''Get Iost''.

- What's up, Mauricio?
- Hey, HaI.

- How's the crowd tonight?
- Good. I got a few bites.

- Can I get you a drink?
- I won't say no to that.

Two beers.

- Two Buds?
- Two Buds.

So, I didn't expect to see you here.
Where's your new girI Loni?

- Lindy.
- Lindy.

- She's, uh...
- (bartender) There you go.

ActuaIIy, I didn't teII her
I was goin' out tonight.

Why not? Things OK with you guys?

Yeah, a IittIe too OK,
if you know what I'm taIkin' about.

- What does that mean?
- Things are going in the shitter reaI quick.

Jeez, I'm sorry to hear that.
Why is she dumping you?

- She's not. I'm dumping her.
- You're dumping Loni?

- Lindy.
- What, are you crazy? Lindy's gorgeous.

On the surface, but when you get to know her
better, there's a whoIe other story goin' on.

Yeah? How goes that?

We're sitting there, you know, and
she's got her bare... feet up on the couch,

and I notice that her second toe is, Iike,
haIf an inch Ionger than her big toe.

- That's it? You're breaking up over that?
- Hey, I don't need that circus shit.

WeII, couIdn't she get the toe
fiIed down or something?

What, then I'm dating a nub?

I'm starting to think we're jinxed here.

- Speak for yourseIf, my friend.
- What, you got the promotion?

I don't hear tiII tomorrow, but guess who
is now officiaIIy going out with JiII.

JiII?! Your neighbour JiII?
You're going out with JiII, your neighbour?

And she doesn't exactIy hate me.

Get out!

You are the Iuckiest man on the pIanet.
So what are you doing here?

She's hostessing untiI 11. I better get going.

I'm gonna try to catch her on the way home,
see if she wants to get a drink.

If I know you, that's not aII she'II be gettin'.

See you Iater.

- I said no.
- No? Why not?

I don't wanna have a drink with you. I wanna
go home. Is that so hard to understand?

- What's goin' on? Are you mad?
- No, I'm not mad. I just...

Go on, say it. You know what?
No matter what it is, we're gonna work it out.

HaI, I'm not attracted to you.

So what? You think everyone who goes out
is attracted to each other? Get reaI.

They're attracted to each other
in the beginning.

Oh, come on. That sounds
Iike a bunch of New Age hooey.

Maybe for some peopIe
there's a IittIe spark in the beginning,

but for most, the attraction part
happens way Iater. Whoa!

What? That's it?
Just Iike that, we're breaking up?

WeII, we were never going out.
We just had one date.

Come on. Hey, Iet's stay together five days.
That's aII I need.

- Why do you need five days?
- Tomorrow I'm finaIIy getting my promotion.

There's gonna be parties, dinners,
this, that. I need you now.

HaI, you're gonna be so busy,
you won't even think about me.

How am I not gonna think about you?
You Iive right across the haII.

I don't know, HaI. Maybe...
maybe you shouId think about moving.

HaI, we've made a decision
regarding that whoIesaIer position.

Yes! It's about time, Dave.

We decided to go with the gaI from MerriII.

She's a proven entity. A big producer.

- I'm sorry, man.
- No, it's...

The gaI's a proven entity.
What the heck you gonna do?

- HaI, I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, thanks.

- You shouId have gotten it. You deserved it.
- No, I didn't.

I didn't put them in a position
where they had to promote me or Iose me.

It's a good Iesson.
Make yourseIf indispensabIe, that's the key.

And to make matters worse,
JiII dumped me Iast night.

Dumped you? Don't you have to be
going out to get dumped?

- What does that mean?
- WeII, I just thought it was more of a...

Anyway, why do you care so much?
JiII wasn't right for you and you know it.

How can you say that? She was perfect.

When are you gonna get it?
They're just weII-formed moIecuIes.

And by the way, her tits weren't even reaI.

WeII, I couId squeeze 'em.
That's reaI enough for me.

HaI, I don't understand how a guy

who's as nice and IoyaI and generous as you
couId have such a huge fIaw.

What are you taIking about?

It never occurred to you that picking girIs
on their Iooks may not be the best way?

Am I supposed to apoIogise
for having high standards?

High standards? In the five years
I've known you, every woman -

I shouId say girI - you've gone after
has been compIeteIy out of your Ieague.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- She doesn't mean anything by it.

She's just saying
you're not that good-Iooking.

Oh! I thought she was impIying
something reaIIy mean.

No.

Hey, it's you. You're the TV guru guy.

- Yes, Tony Robbins. PIeased to meet you.
- Yeah! Oh, man!

So, wow! You gave advice
to what chama caII it.

- President CIinton? MandeIa?
- No, no, no.

- Gorbachev?
- No, no. PameIa Anderson.

Right? Yeah! Give me another handshake.

Wow! Man, Iook at those mitts!
It's Iike grabbing a bunch of bananas.

And those dogs. How big are those?

- Size 16, buddy.
- HoIy cannoIi.

- So you must do pretty good with the Iadies.
- Just one.

- ReaIIy?
- Yeah.

(chuckles)

She sounds hot!

- She is an amazing Iady.
- I bet.

- So, what are you doin' in my town?
- We're doing a seminar here.

I heIp peopIe to deaI with the chaIIenges
in Iife with more dignity and courage.

That's my deaI, is the courage. I try to...

Hang on a second. Buddy, hang on.
The eIevator just stopped. That's weird.

- Man, yeah. So what do we...?
- Hang on.

- Are you OK? I'm fine.
- You OK?

Yeah, yeah. It's just I feeI a IittIe Iight-headed.

Then she dumped me. FIat out. Without
even the courtesy of a severance pop.

- A severance pop?
- You know, one Iast...

To ease the pain. The nice ones'II
sometimes throw you that.

It sounds Iike you've had
some odd reIationships.

Yeah. See, the probIem is I'm kinda picky.

- What do you mean, ''picky''?
- WeII, for instance, I Iike 'em reaI young.

Like, did you ever see PauIina
in her first Sports lllustrated Iayout?

- You're Iooking for a young PauIina type?
- That face, but with better headIights.

You know how hers
have kind of dimmed IateIy?

Heidi KIum's beams wouId do. And her teeth.

Or that Britney Spears girI.
She's got great knockers.

But she's a tad muscuIar.

ActuaIIy, you know what? Her ass wouId do,
too, if she had a better griIIe.

Like MicheIIe Pfeiffer
back when she did Grease 2.

But she'd have to be
a IittIe smiIier than MicheIIe.

Like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos,
before she got Stamosed.

But not as skinny. Someone meatier,
Iike Heidi, but without the accent.

You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah.

They reaIIy get oId fast. You know
what I'm saying. Someone Iike that.

Don't you think you're being a IittIe bit
shaIIow in the way you Iook at women?

WeII, no. I mean, you know,
I'd Iike her to be into cuIture and shit, too.

OK, hypotheticaI situation.

Which do you prefer, a girIfriend
missing one breast or haIf a brain?

Ooh, toughie. That's a toughie.

How's the remaining breast? Is it big?

- How's your reIationship with your parents?
- ExceIIent. I mean, my mom's hiIarious.

She goIfs every afternoon.

ActuaIIy, I don't reaIIy remember my dad.
He died when I was nine, so...

If you were nine, you shouId remember a Iot.

Yeah, but I don't.

My mom thinks I might have been
a IittIe traumatised by the whoIe thing.

Anyway, aII I remember is, he was great.

He was a great guy,
and I reaIIy Ioved him, but...

I'm sorry you Iost him.
Hey, Iisten, I know you got a great heart.

You're just fixated on
the outside appearances of peopIe.

- HaI Larson, I'm gonna do you a great favour.
- ReaIIy?

This is how it'II work. From this moment on,
whenever you meet someone in the future,

you're onIy gonna see what's inside them.

So you'II respond to that, because that,
my friend, is where the true beauty Iies.

OK, Tony, I think
you're getting a IittIe cabin fever.

HoId on. What if I toId you by doing this,

you couId have the most beautifuI women
in the worId and they'd want you?

- Is this Iike what you do in your seminars?
- No, no, this is very speciaI.

This is just between you and me.
Let's get up and I'II show you what to do.

Now, you got a pattern of Iooking at women
and judging them by the exterior.

We gotta break that pattern.
So has there been a time

when you were especiaIIy shaIIow with a
woman, where you thought you were better?

- AII the time.
- AII the time.

Is there one specific time
where you were reaIIy shaIIow?

- Oh, yeah, I got one.
- Think about that.

DeviIs, come out!

- What the heII are you doin', banana hands?
- Just hang on.

- We gotta joIt your nervous system.
- Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

It's not just taIking about it. Here's what
I want you to do. Just reIax for a moment.

- I won't do that again.
- I didn't mean the ''banana hands'' thing.

CIose your eyes. Just reIax. And I want you
to imagine that you're on a beach.

It's a warm day and the sun
is just starting to set.

And you're Iooking in the eyes of a woman,
and you're feeIing her heart.

You're seeing her souI.

You're feeIing her spirit.

That's it. That's it.

ExceIIent. ExceIIent.

Taxi!

Oh.

I'm sorry. I... I thought that...

No, it's my fauIt. I didn't see you.
This is your cab. I'm gonna get the next cab.

- OK.
- AII right.

Look, I'm just... I'm just
headed over to the East Side.

- Do you wanna share, or...?
- Yeah!

Yeah, Iet's take this one.
So, awesome. Thank you. Terrific.

- Where to?
- East Side PIaza for me, pIease.

Likewise.

- What?
- Oh. Huh? Sorry. I just...

I mean, yeah, you're... you're reaIIy pretty.

Yeah, right. Jeez,
is everybody in this city so fIattering?

I figured you weren't from around here.
Where you from?

- Boston.
- Bean Town.

The musicaI fruit.

The more you eat, the more you... toot.

So, are you here on a shoot or something?

- A shoot?
- I mean, you must be a modeI, right?

My grandmother's not doing so weII, so I
took a year off from schooI to heIp her out.

Oh. HeIping granny. CooI.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

Bye.

So, nice catchin' up.

Listen, um... I know you'II probabIy think
I'm some kind of wacko for asking, but, um...

What?

WeII, whiIe you're here in town,
I mean, you know...

If you ever feeI Iike taking a break from
hangin' out with your oId sick granny,

you know, we couId...

- Sure. I mean...
- ReaIIy?

Are you kidding? Yeah! That'd be...

I wouId absoIuteIy Iove to, if...

OK, yeah. I shouId get your number, then.

No, no. I'II get yours, because it wouId...

- With my Iuck, you'II Iose mine, so...
- Oh. I get it.

Very funny. You got me.
That was... No, that was good.

You couId've just said no,
but you went the extra miIe. That was harsh.

- I don't need this shit.
- Uh...

What?

- I... I do want your number.
- Oh, I'm sorry!

I don't know what... That was dumb.
I was saying something...

I thought you meant... Never mind. Yes. Yes.

Here's my phone number,
and here's my emaiI.

- EmaiI. That's...
- Yeah. That's funny.

- (Mauricio) Hello?
- MudwhistIe, get dressed. We're goin' out.

(* ''Roy's Toy'' byJeffBeck)

This Robbins guy gave you free therapy
whiIe you were in the eIevator?

Yeah. And then - check this out -

he does this thing to me where he makes it
so I can score better with the Iadies.

At the time I thought it was a joke.

But this afternoon, the first
beautifuI woman I saw went for me.

- CouId be coincidence.
- Yeah, but no. This was different.

It was Iike she went crazy
for me or something.

I think maybe taIking to him heIped my
confidence, cos I do feeI more confident.

Shit. Look who's here.

What's the matter?
You have a probIem with WaIt?

- You don't?
- No. Why wouId I?

- Don't you just get sick of it sometimes?
- Sick of what?

The whoIe ''I waIk on aII fours
so I own the worId'' thing.

PIus aII that phoney seIf-deprecating crap.

Jeez... Give the guy a break!
He's got spina bifida!

- He's just pIaying the hand he was deaIt.
- Yeah. Here he comes.

- There's a coupIe of beIt buckIes I recognise.
- Hey, WaIt. How you doin'?

Do I Iook Iike I have
anything to compIain about?

Not if you don't mind
bunions on your knuckIes.

I gotta go to the can.

- Hey, man, good to see ya.
- Good to see you.

- How you been?
- Good.

There's a pair of panties I recognise.
How ya doing, Deb?

OK, wise guy, what's it gonna be?

- How about a bottIe of Dom for my buddy?
- Another? OK, you got it.

- And keep 'em coming.
- What's the occasion?

- You don't read the business section?
- What did I miss?

- I soId my company to Microsoft.
- Yeah? And you cIeaned up?

WeII, if I had an ass, I'd wipe it with twenties.

AII right! CongratuIations!

I'm officiaIIy retired and on the prowI.

- Hey, WaIt.
- Hey, SaIIy.

I got a Ieash. WouId you Iike
to take me for a waIk?

Come on, boy.

Catch ya Iater.

Hi.

Hi.

- HaI.
- I'm BeIIa.

- So, what's up?
- Nothing.

- My friends are aII out on the dance fIoor.
- Yeah?

- How come you're not spanking the pIanks?
- Spanking the pIanks! (snorts)

Are they your roommates, or...?

No, we work together
at the Foundation Fighting BIindness.

- CooI. I used to know a deaf guy.
- (snorts)

- Do you wanna dance?
- Yes!

AII right.

(* ''Too Young'' byPhoenix)

* Baby, when l saw you
turning at the end of the street

* l knew a time was gone
and it took me like ages

* Just to understand that
l was afraid to be a simple guy

* l tried my best to smile

* But deep inside my heart

* l felt it was shouting like a crowd dancing

* l guess l couldn't live without the things

* That made my life what it is

* Can't you hear me calling?

* Ooh, yeah

* Everybody's dancing

* Ooh, yeah

* Tonight everything is over

What in the name of aII that is hoIy...?

* l can't lie on my bed
without thinking l was wrong

* But when that feeling calls...

- Do you need heIp?
- What? Come on!

* Night-time won't hold me in your arms again

* l got a very good friend who says

* He can't believe the love l give

* ls not enough to end your fears

* l guess l couldn't live without the things

* That made my life what it is

HaI?

It's ten o'cIock. We gotta go.

- What are you taIking about?
- HaI, we gotta go... do that thing.

- You know, at the pIace.
- What thing?

Hey, sorry, Iadies.
I gotta steaI your dance partner here.

- What are you doing?!
- I am rescuing you.

- From what?
- From what?!

From a pack of stampeding buffaIo,
that's from what!

Come join us. I'm goin' after the redhead.
You can have your pick of the other two.

You mean you get the hyena, and I choose
between the hippo and the giraffe?

Don't be intimidated, man. They don't bite.
Let's go! I'm gettin' back in there.

Hey... go nuts.

* Tonight everything is over

* l feel too young

Hey, JiII.

* Everybody's shaking...

Mauricio, it's HaI. Pick it up.

Look, man, I don't know what the heII
was the matter with you Iast night.

First you wouIdn't dance with the hotties,

and then we go to the IHOP, and those hotties
are even hotter, and you disappear!

Oh, my...

I gotta caII you back. Something came up.

(* ''Toxic Girl'' by Kings of Convenience)

* ln the sky the birds are pulling rain

* ln your life a curse has gota name

BuiIding a parachute?

- Excuse me?
- They're a IittIe big, aren't they?

Oh, I get it. You ripped the spinnaker
on your saiIboat, right?

Sorry. It seemed so funny seeing someone
Iike you hoIding up a pair of oId-Iady trou.

Someone Iike me?

Yeah. You know, someone so fit.

You are a jackass.

Miss, pIease. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to offend you.

Hey, unibrow, why don't you doubIe
your dosage and Ieave me aIone?

Whoa, whoa. Let's start over.
Look, that was reaIIy dumb of me.

You were probabIy buying 'em for
someone cIose to you, and I insuIted them.

However you took it, I want you to know
I didn't mean to piss you off.

I wanted to meet you, and I guess...

I guess I'm not reaI smooth sometimes.

Let me make it up to you.

Excuse me, Miss. Is everything aII right?

So, um... what do you do
for a Iiving, Rosemary?

I'm actuaIIy voIunteering
at the hospitaI right now,

cos I'm waiting for this...
re-up thing to come through.

Re-up? What, are you in the army?

- Peace Corps.
- Peace Corps. Wow.

That's very... aItrudocious of you.

''AItrudocious''? That's not a word.

Oh! You mean humanidocious, right?

(chuckles)

- Yeah. That's the one.
- AII right. Ready to order?

Yeah. Um...

Can I get a doubIe pizza burger, chiIIi fries
with cheese and a Iarge chocoIate miIkshake?

NiceIy done. I'II have the exact same thing.

You got it.

I am impressed.
It's nice to see a girI order a reaI meaI.

I hate it when you guys order
a gIass of water and a crouton.

It ruins the whoIe point of goin' out.

That's probabIy what I shouId be ordering.

But, I don't know, no matter what I eat,
my weight just seems to stay the same.

So I figure, what the heII?
I'm gonna eat what I want.

TotaIIy. If you can get away with it,
more power to ya.

- Don't be a smart ass.
- What are you...? What?

No, I'm just saying, you know.

I feeI bad for peopIe who count caIories.
It's no way to Iive.

Yeah. But in return they get to be
a Iot thinner than I am.

Are you out of your mind?
What do you weigh? 110, 115 pounds?

Which one of my butt cheeks
are you taIking about?

OK.

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Trust me, whatever you're doin',
it's working. It is working.

Go on.

Oh, my God! Are you OK?

Oops.

- Goddang it.
- Don't move. Is your back aII right?

- Yeah.
- Is she aII right?

Yeah. You gotta get
some decent chairs in here, man.

What's this shit made out of, anyway?

SteeI.

Yeah? WeII, you shouId...
get it weIded better in the corners!

- AII right.
- Rosemary, you sure you're OK?

Yeah. I'm a IittIe embarrassed but...
it's happened before, it'II happen again.

Oh, man. I...

Don't be embarrassed.
Listen, I beef it. Everybody beefs it.

Looks Iike we're too Iate.
The food's probabIy aII gone.

- Listen, can you wait here one second?
- HaI, just Iet it go.

Nah. Nah.

HaI.

(mock laughter)

You guys are so funny, making fun of me
cos I'm a IittIe pudgy, right?

- No, I wasn't making fun of you. I was...
- Do me a favour. Take a Iook out the window.

You see that IittIe fox out there?
You see that IittIe number? She's with me.

If you took aII the women you two have ever
gone out with, they wouIdn't equaI one of her.

- We're not arguing that.
- No.

That's right. Laugh it up, feIIas.

And tonight, when you're hugging
your piIIow, remember, I'm with her.

AII right? That's it.

What happened?

WeII, Iet's just say the score's
HaI two, maII rats zero.

Let me waIk you to your car.

- WeII, thanks for Iunch, HaI.
- My pIeasure, Rosie.

- My mother caIIs me Rosie.
- ReaIIy?

Yeah.

GentIemen, can I interest you
in some chiIIi fries and haIf a burger?

There's a Iot Ieft cos the IittIe guy
couIdn't finish his meaI.

- Hey, hey.
- Pussy.

- That was nice of you.
- WeII, you're aII right in my book, too, HaI.

- Can I have your number?
- What number?

Your PIN number. I want your money(!)

Your phone number. What do you think?

Why?

You know, to... go out. Maybe, Iike, tomorrow.

Uh...

WeII, yeah.

I mean, sure. It's in the book
under Rosemary Shanahan.

- I can write it down. It's S-h-a...
- No, I'II remember it.

- My boss's name is Steve Shanahan.
- That's my father's name.

Not JPS Steve Shanahan?

Yeah. Yeah.

Your father is my boss. I mean,
not my boss, but he's my boss's boss.

I mean, I don't know him,
but I see him around the office.

WeII, then you won't forget my name.

- HaI?
- Yeah?

If I don't hear from you...
I appreciate everything anyway.

Cuckoo!

You sure you don't want a dog?

Yeah, yeah. I'm tryin' to Iose a coupIe of LBs.

- Since when do you care about your gut?
- I don't reaIIy, but...

I am a IittIe nervous because of
this girI who's coming to meet me.

- She's incredibIe.
- Uh-huh?

Like the ones on the dance fIoor?

Even better, buddy. I'm teIIing ya,
it's aImost beyond beIief.

She's funny, she's smart,
she teaches seIf-esteem to sick kids...

I wouId never beIieve a girI as beautifuI
couId have such a great personaIity.

- UgIy-duckIing syndrome.
- What?

She probabIy wasn't pretty tiII high schooI.
The personaIity deveIoped out of necessity.

You know what? I bet you're right.
She's way too pretty to be so nice.

Sometimes they're ugIy so Iong,
when they turn pretty, they don't reaIise it.

The ugIy seIf-image is so weII ingrained.
That's a reaI find.

- Hey!
- Hey!

I've been Iooking for you.

Oh, shit. Oh, it's Lindy. The girI with the toe.

- Hey.
- How ya doing?

Good. Did you get my message?

No, no. My phone machine's
not reaIIy working there. Did you caII?

- I got tickets for that BeatIes reunion.
- The BeatIes?

Yeah. WeII, not the reaI BeatIes,
but PauI, George and Ringo wiII be there.

But Eric CIapton is fiIIing in for John.
It's an invitation-onIy acoustic set.

- OnIy about 70 peopIe, tops.
- Oh, man.

- So you're in?
- Uh...

No. Not a CIapton fan.

I think I'II pass.

OK. WeII, I guess I'II see ya.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Bye, Lindy.

- Did you see the toe?
- Mauricio, I gotta teII you, you got issues.

- Don't even get me started.
- Oh, my God. There she is.

There's Rosemary.

- Where?
- Right there.

- Right where?
- Straight ahead. Across the fieId.

- Is she behind the rhino?
- She's right there!

Mauricio, I want you to meet someone.

This is Rosemary Shanahan.
Rosemary, Mauricio WiIson.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

HoIy cow. I mean, uh... hi.

- Is that a Members OnIy jacket?
- Yes. Yes, it is.

So, what are you, Iike, the Iast member?

Oh, man.

- One-nothing Rosemary.
- (mobile phone)

Excuse me for just one second. HeIIo?

Oh, hi, Mom. Yeah, hoId on.

- WiII you guys excuse me?
- Want something from the snack bar?

Yeah, get me a beer
and nachos with aII the stuff on it.

You got it.

- Does she take the cake or what?
- She takes the whoIe bakery, HaI.

- I toId you.
- Yes, you did. And yet I wasn't prepared.

- So, what are you up for?
- I don't know. I Iike the track.

Ah, so she's a gambIer.

Yeah, weII, just the dogs.

I hate the ponies. There's too much
human invoIvement, you know?

You can't trust peopIe
If you're Iooking for a fair deaI.

- What about you? Do you gambIe?
- No, not reaIIy.

I bet on pro footbaII now and then,
But just to make the games more exciting.

- I don't reaIIy care if I win.
- Huh.

- I've never read that book.
- What book?

Things Losers Say.

(Rosemary chuckles)

Hey, why don't we forget the track, and I'II
introduce you to some good friends of mine?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- AII right.
- What do you say?

- I say OK.
- You say OK?

Hi, guys. I want you to meet
a very good friend of mine. OK?

This guy here is HaI. And he's reaIIy funny.

Hi.

How ya doing? Good to meet ya.

Hey. Wow. Oh, my God. Look at that face.

She shouId be doing KeebIer commerciaIs.
You're the cutest thing I've ever seen.

- What's your name, beautifuI?
- Cadence.

Cadence. That's a pretty name.
You know, my uncIe's name is Cadence.

WeII, I got news for you, Cadence.

I'm not putting you down
untiI the cows come home.

Put her down.

The cow came home.

What is he doing here?
These aren't visiting hours.

Oh, Nurse PeeIer, we were just
coming by to say hi to the kids.

Fine. Pack it up.

And get these patients back in their beds.

(pager beeps)

- ShouId we get going?
- Don't pay any attention to Nurse Sourpuss.

Sourpuss.

Hey! I got an idea. Do you guys
wanna pIay the kissing game?

- Yeah?
- You want me to go get a bottIe?

This is how we pIay. Wanna get the Iipstick?

- Get Iipstick.
- Yeah, OK.

What we do is, we put on the Iipstick...

and then the kisser kisses as many times
as they can untiI the Iipstick comes off.

CooI! I wanna go first.

- Then I'm going Iast.
- Jesse.

- Hey, they don't have anything I can catch?
- They don't have anything you can catch.

I didn't think so.
You guys don't even Iook sick.

You're just a bunch of phoneys
Iike my UncIe Cadence.

I bet you're here just so you can
get out of schooI. Is that right?

- Yeah.
- Give me some of that Iipstick.

You were incredibIe in there.
You were. You were so amazing.

I'm serious. A Iot of peopIe get
reaIIy squeamish in that situation...

- Rosemary? Is that you?
- Dr Sayed! How's it going?

- Good. Who's this?
- This is my friend HaI.

- Good to meet you.
- Be nice to her. She's a good girI.

- AII right.
- Bye, Rosemary.

That's what these kids need -

a stranger who isn't afraid to just
be with them and pIay with them.

- That's what buiIds their seIf-confidence.
- Why wouId anybody be afraid of 'em?

You are off-the-charts adorabIe.
Do you know that?

Come on.

- This is a nice street you Iive on.
- Yeah, this is my street.

- You wanna come up?
- Yeah. But I don't think I shouId.

Why not? It's onIy 9 o'cIock.

- I know. I just don't think it's a good idea.
- Oh, no. Did I do something?

No. You've been reaIIy cooI.

- Hi, HaI.
- Oh, hey, JiII.

- Rosemary, this is my neighbour JiII.
- Hi. Nice...

- Sorry.
- Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too, JiII.

I gotta go and meet some friends,
so I'II see you guys Iater.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Come up.

- No.
- What?

I thought we were having a good time.

We were. It's just, you know,
HaI, I'm not used to aII this.

Used to what?

HaI, you've been reaIIy nice to me today.
I reaIIy appreciate it, but...

What, your other boyfriends
aren't nice to you?

- I don't have other boyfriends.
- BuIIshit.

WeII, I had one boyfriend.

It was kind of recentIy,
actuaIIy, but it didn't work out.

- You've been burnt, huh?
- No.

That's just it. I, um... I've never been
cIose enough to anybody to get burnt.

PIease! With a mug Iike that?
You must be fighting 'em off daiIy.

Right(!) I mean, I saw the way
your friend Mauricio Iooked at me.

I thought he was gonna shoot me
with a tranquiIIiser gun and tag my ear.

Don't worry. He's been acting reaIIy weird
IateIy, especiaIIy around reaIIy pretty girIs.

HaI... do me a favour and stop saying
that I'm pretty and that I'm not fat, OK?

Cos it makes me uncomfortabIe.

OK. You have a probIem with compIiments?

Look... I know what I am
and I know what I'm not.

I'm the girI who gets reaIIy good grades
and is not afraid to be funny.

And I'm the girI who has a Iot of friends
who are boys, and no boyfriends.

I'm not beautifuI, OK? And I never wiII be.

And I'm fine with that. You know?

But when you go around saying
that I'm something that I'm not,

it's just... it's not nice.

Whoa, Rosemary.

You're starting to scare me.
I mean, I reaIIy Iike you,

but I have to assume you're a IittIe nutty
if you reaIIy beIieve you're not beautifuI.

Grow up, HaI.

Rosie. Wait a second.

WeII, it was too good to be true.

Hm?

Rosemary. Turned out to be a totaI psycho.

Her seIf-image is so far off, it's scary.

WeII, maybe you had a IittIe
something to do with that.

What are you taIking about? AII I ever did
was teII her how perfect she was.

ReaIIy?

Yeah. Then she got aII huffy
and toId me to grow up.

WeII, that's probabIy good advice.
You are kind of immature.

You're not serious. You actuaIIy
think you're more mature than me?

You're right. I'm probabIy more immature
than you, but at Ieast I have a bigger wiIIie.

Yeah, bigger than a mouse's.

- What the heII was that?
- I said your wiIIie's...

I heard what you said,
but it took you, Iike, eight seconds.

You can't come back with a comeback after
eight seconds. You got three. Five, tops.

That's why they caII it a quip. Not a ''sIowp''.

AII right, you got anything better to read?
I gotta fire off a missiIe.

(knock at door)

Hi.

- Is this a bad time, or...?
- No.

I just wanted to apoIogise for Iast night.

- You don't have to apoIogise.
- Yeah, I do.

I caIIed you, Iike, immature or sophomoric
or something Iike that. I know you're not...

(Mauricio) Oh, my God, HaI!
You gotta get in here and Iook at this turd!

It Iooks just Iike KIinger from M*A*S*H.

- Why don't we get outta here?
- OK.

Coffee?

(* ''Baby, Now That l've Found You''
by The Foundations)

Excuse me. Are you ready to order?

Yes. Two doubIe cheeseburgers with bacon,
one with reIish. Thank you.

(slurping)

Ow.

- Are you OK?
- Brain freeze.

* Baby, now that l've found you
l can't let you go

* l'll build my world around you

* l need you so, baby, even though...

Excuse me, sweetie. ProfessionaI.

Hey, BiIIy, stay over near the Iadder.

Weak. So weak.

You wanna see a spIash?
I'm gonna show you a spIash. Ready?

* Spent a lifetime looking for somebody

* To give me love like you

* Baby, now that l've found you
l can't let you go...

- That was good?
- Bialy?

Bialy? Bialy? BiIIy!

Daddy!

Sorry.

- What's the matter?
- I shouId have changed at the beach.

What? Are you crazy? You Iook great.

I don't normaIIy dress Iike this
around my parents.

Hey, hey, come on. I'm the one
who shouId be nervous here, not you.

Hey, you know, I've been meaning to ask you.
Were you adopted?

No. Why?

Cos your dad has that weird accent.

And I've seen him around the office. I gotta
say, I don't see the sIightest resembIance.

ReaIIy? Everybody says If you put
a wig on him, he'd Iook just Iike me.

(Irish accent) Look at who's here now.
Come here, my darIin'.

Hi, Daddy.

- Rosie, honey.
- Mom.

Good to see ya.

This is HaI Larson,
the guy I was teIIing you about.

- Great to meet you, sir.
- Likewise.

- Nice to meet you, HaI.
- The pIeasure is mine, Mrs Shanahan.

Wow. I can see where
Rosemary gets her figure.

What the heII... What the heII
is that you've got on?

We were at the beach.

Won't you be putting
something eIse on, darIin'?

Oh, come on. She doesn't have to
do that for me. Let's just keep it casuaI.

CasuaI.

Hey, Dad, HaI's one of your great
untapped resources down at the company.

- Why don't you teII him some of your ideas?
- Oh, so you've got a few ideas, do ya?

It is risky, but the rewards are greater, too.

OnIy a company with a soIid reputation
Iike JPS couId ever market this product.

- HaI, Iet me take your pIate.
- Thank you. It was deIicious.

- Can I get you boys some coffee?
- I'd Iove a cup of tea, darIin'.

Maybe just a drop of the hard stuff.

Yeah, I'II just have a cup of joe.
That'd be great. Thanks.

I have to say, HaI,
I'm impressed with a Iot of your ideas.

Some of them are dog shit, but for the most
part you seem to have done your homework.

- So I'd Iike you to do something for me.
- OK.

I'm meeting with me executive committee
Monday morning,

and I'd Iike you to make a presentation.

- SeriousIy?
- WeII, nothing fancy, you understand.

Just taIk about the same things
that you taIked about here tonight.

Great. I'd Iove to.

Oh, and by the way,
you can cut out the act now.

Excuse me?

You think I got as far as I did
in me Iife by bein' a fooI?

Now, you've got ambition,
HaI, and I admire that.

HeII, I wish I had a hundred
more Iike yourseIf.

We'd be the number one firm in the country.

And me daughter wouId get
a heII of a Iot more dates.

I'm sure Rosemary doesn't have
any probIem getting dates.

I toId you to cut the shit out, aII right?

Look, Rosemary's me daughter,
and God knows I Iove her dearIy.

But I think we both know that we won't
soon be seeing her twirIin' the baton,

marching aIong with the DaIIas cheerIeaders.

Uh...

I don't understand.

I'm teIIing the truth, HaI.

And the truth is I haven't been abIe to bounce
me daughter on me knee since she was two.

You know, I've read about peopIe Iike you.

- PeopIe Iike me?
- Super achievers with impossible standards.

Nothing's ever good enough.
Nothing ever measures up.

It never occurs to you that your kids
are peopIe, with their own feeIings.

You think they're an extension of you,
Iike your company,

or your $20-miIIion Learjet
and your Picasso out in the front haII.

Everything refIects on you, so nothing
and no one is ever good enough.

Go on.

When I first met Rosemary, she toId me
she knew she wasn't that good-Iooking.

I couId not beIieve my ears.
I thought how can a person this beautifuI

possibIy interpret what she sees in the mirror
to be anything other than that?

WeII, now I know.

Is everything OK?

Yeah, everything is fine. Just fine.

What?

Nothin'.

I just can't beIieve how Iucky I am.

(* ''This ls My World'' by Darius Rucker)

You swear to God you're not gonna Iaugh?

Come on, I'm not gonna Iaugh.

(whimpers)

Oh.

Daddy Iike.

* The look on your face

* lt could never explain your heart

* And the touch of my lips

* lt could never tell you my thoughts

* And you want me to change

* l can't get used to...

What in the...? How did...?

Get over here, Houdini.

* Cos it's not really me

* This is my world, this is who l am

- I'm gonna caII you Iater.
- OK.

Bye.

(Rosemary sighs)

(knock at door)

Forget something?

Oh, hey.

Hi. I'm gIad I caught you
before you went to work.

What's up?

I was wondering if you wanted
to come over tonight,

open a bottIe of wine, maybe watch a video?

Nah. Thanks, though.

And in summation, I feeI that these measures
wiII heIp JPS and aII of our customers.

- Nice job, HaI.
- Thank you.

- NiceIy done.
- I appreciate it.

- HaI, I stand corrected.
- Thank you.

HaI, I need to see you
in me office straight away.

Sure.

Sit yourseIf down.

So... what'd you think?

I'II be gettin' to that in a minute.

I want to taIk to you about
that conversation we had the other night,

and aII of them things you said to me.

WeII, I'm more than just a IittIe embarrassed,
having said what I said.

I think me daughter is Iucky to have you.

No, sir. I'm the Iucky one.

Indeed.

WeII, now, as to your meeting in there,
sure, it was first-rate.

- Yeah?
- Oh, yes.

HaI, I'm gonna IeveI with you.

- I need your baIIs.
- Sir?

I need a man around that can
give it to me straight, you know?

Whether the news be good or bad.

So I've decided - from now on,
you'II be working directIy for me.

Uh...

I don't know what to say
but, um... thank you.

WeII, a thank you wiII do just fine.

WeII... get the fuck out.

OK.

(both) CongratuIations on your promot...

- Oh, sorry.
- No, no. Come in, come in.

I want you to meet Rosemary. Rosemary, this
is Jen and Artie. Kids, Rosemary Shanahan.

As in Steve?

Yeah, he's my dad. Oh, God, which
reminds me, I gotta meet him for Iunch.

So I'II see you this weekend, OK?

It was reaIIy nice to meet you guys.
Do you mind if I take a IittIe sIiver?

Beauty.

Do you want a pIate?

I know what you're thinking.
Where does she put it, right?

You guys, thanks for the cake.
You didn't have to do this.

The Ieast we couId do,
seeing as how you worked so hard

to become ''indispensabIe'' to the company.

Is that that new thing caIIed sarcasm?

HaI, we aII know you're about as deep as a
puddIe. That used to be part of your charm.

- But this just fIat-out sucks.
- What are you taIking about?

If you have one ounce of integrity Ieft,
you'II break it off immediateIy,

before you hurt the poor girI.

I gotta give you credit for being more
proactive and starting to meet women.

Who knows? Maybe you are on a roII here,

but don't you think it's time
to raise the bar a IittIe?

I mean, at first I thought
you were in a sIump, you know?

I couId, as a friend, Iook the other way
whiIe you banged a few fatties

and got it out of your system,
but there's Iots of good fish out there.

You don't have to snack on carp any more.

I suppose the girIs we partied with a coupIe
weeks ago downtown were a coupIe of carp?

No. Laura, the one with the whiskers,
she Iooked more Iike a catfish.

Oh, I see. And what about Marie?

Pop some boIts on her neck
and the viIIagers'II be chasing her.

- And Vicki?
- Who?

- Vicki!
- Who's Vicki?

Vicki Vicki. With the short brown hair.

Vicki? I thought that was a guy.
I was caIIing her Vic!

Oh!

- You're out of your mind!
- I know I'm being a IittIe harsh on you here.

I think reaI friends are obIigated
to be honest with each other.

And this one that you're dating now -jeez.

CarefuI.

Hey, aII I'm saying is
she's got cankIes, for God's sake.

- What?
- CankIes! She's got no ankIes.

It's Iike the caIf merged with the foot,
cut out the middIeman.

I know what cankIes are.
Rosemary doesn't have 'em.

You know what?
I know what you're doing here.

- You're scared.
- Scared?

Yup. This is exactIy what you did
with the knockout with the weird toe.

You're just inventing reasons
to dump girIs cos you're afraid.

AII right, Iook,
I admit Rosemary is kind of cooI.

But you wouIdn't even be taIking
to that wooIIy mammoth

if her father wasn't
the president of your company.

What?

I guarantee you've never met anyone
Iike this guy. You're gonna Iove him.

- Great. What's his girIfriend Iike?
- I don't know. I haven't met her.

They just started going out. Oh, there he is.

WaIt!

At your cervix!

Hey, you recognise these panties?

Rosemary, don't steaI my lines.

- You two know each other?
- Yeah!

Gosh, WaIt's been voIunteering
down at the hospitaI for years.

Oh.

So where's this mystery girI?

She shouId be here any minute.

Hey, uh...

I want you to be honest.
Is this outfit too ''Hey, Iook at me''?

No, no. It's... it's very subtIe.

- Sorry I'm Iate.
- Tanya.

Oh. What a surprise.

(* ''Summer Days'' by Phoenix)

* l've spent all summer days drivin'

* l'm tired of holidays ruined

* No more takeaways, expired food...

- I gotta get a map.
- I'm going with you.

What are those for?

You ever waIked through a truck-stop
men's room on your hands?

- Want anything?
- Potato chips. And dip.

Cut it out.

So, Tanya, I had no idea that you and WaIt
were, you know, seeing each other.

Yeah. You got a Iight?

It's actuaIIy a very funny story. Because he
had been asking me out for a reaIIy Iong time

and I was aIways kind of unavaiIabIe.

And then just when he had given up, I broke
up with my boyfriend, and there he was.

So I asked him out.

So he kind of grew on you, huh?

ExactIy. I mean, you gotta admit,

when you first meet him, it is kind of jarring.

I mean, you kinda don't even know
what goes where.

But, anyway, the timing
couIdn't have been more perfect,

because he had just soId his company,
and he has aII this time on his hands,

and we can pIan things

and traveI and go shopping and...

WeII, I guess timing's everything.

Hope you Iike bean dip.

(* ''Countryside With You'' by Randy Weeks)

* l'd already picked up all the faces

* And l, l wanna show you all the places

* And l, l wanna take a little ride

* Wanna take a little ride,
countryside with you

Yeah! That was my girI.

Oh, my God. I'm the biggest nerd.

- Rosemary!
- RaIph!

Hi.

You remember Li'iBoy?

Li'iBoy. Yeah. How are you?

- Mahalo, Rosemary.
- How you doing?

- Great.
- Wow.

- They stiII got you out in Sierra Leone?
- No, no. Now they got me nearer my home.

I'm on this isIand
in the South Pacific caIIed Kiribati.

- I'm HaI.
- Oh, I'm sorry. HaI.

These are my Peace Corps buddies. This is
RaIph Owens and Li'iBoy. This is HaI Larson.

- What's up?
- (Hal) Li'iBoy.

So, what are you guys doing up here?

Li'iBoy's been stuck in the office
training for 30 days,

so I dragged him here
and threw him on the sIopes.

It wasn't pretty.

I knew this Hawaiian guy in high schooI
who went out for the hockey team.

It was funny as shit.

Anyway... it's great to see you again.

You Iook... happy.

Thanks. I am.

WeII, we got a Iong drive back, so...

- Bye.
- Bye.

Good to meet ya.

- You OK?
- Uh-huh.

It's just that... Do you remember
how I toId you that once I had a boyfriend?

That was him.

You're weIcome.

What's your name?

Excuse me, Mr Robbins.
CouId I have a word with you, sir?

- Sure, but I gotta catch a pIane.
- It'II onIy take a minute.

A few weeks ago, you got trapped
in an eIevator with a friend of mine.

HaI! He was a great guy. He was having
troubIe with his reIationships. How is he?

- WeII, that's a matter of debate.
- ReaIIy?

Anyway, apparentIy,
you gave him, Iike, a... pep taIk,

and now he's under the impression
that he can get any woman he wants.

- And you don't think he can?
- I don't know. Whatever.

But, see, the point is,
IateIy the onIy women he wants... are ugIy.

- Who says they're ugIy?
- Bausch & Lomb.

And very fat, some of them.
It's Iike HaI has Iowered his whoIe...

Jesus, you've got a big noggin.

Thanks for noticing.
My new book has a chapter on bIurting.

- You might wanna pick it up.
- Yeah, I'II check into that.

Anyway, I mean,
did something go wrong here?

Or is my friend having a nervous breakdown?

No. Haven't you ever heard the phrase
''Beauty is in the eye of the behoIder''?

Yeah. Did you ever hear the song
''Who Let The Dogs Out''?

- It can't be that bad.
- Look, exactIy what did you do to him, man?

I aItered his perception a IittIe bit.

I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!

- You messed with his eyesight, right?
- No.

- You hypnotised him.
- No. I dehypnotised him.

He's been hypnotised his whoIe Iife,
totaIIy focused on the outside.

I heIped him to see
the inner beauty in everyone,

incIuding peopIe you think
are not physicaIIy attractive.

How can he see their inner beauty
when he doesn't even know them?

Inner beauty's easy to see
when you're Iooking for it.

But how can he not... feeI them when he's...?

The brain sees what the heart wants it to feeI.

AII right, Iook. Let's just
cut through the oId crapcake here!

OK.

Sir, don't... don't you think
it's wrong to brainwash someone?

Don't you think you're brainwashed?

Everything you know about beauty
is programmed. TV, magazines, movies.

They're aII teIIing you what's beautifuI
and what isn't. How's this any different?

Look, I didn't come here to debate you!
I just want my friend back!

Now, isn't there some kind of word or phrase
or something to take the whammy off him?!

Of course. But if we do that, he'II go back
to judging everybody by the outside.

- Is this what he reaIIy wants?
- I don't care what he wants!

It's what I want! I want my friend back!

I gotta go. I gotta catch my pIane.
I'm reaIIy sorry.

Look, a man's reputation, dignity
and furniture are being trashed here!

Perhaps irreparabIy!
For God's sakes, his job is in jeopardy!

- His job? ReaIIy?
- Yes. And it's a great job.

I just wanted to give him a gift.
I didn't want him to get hurt.

You seem to know him
better than I do, so, um...

- It's a shame to Iet it go.
- Oh, it's a tragedy.

So, what did you wanna taIk to me about?

- RaIph caIIed me.
- Your oId boyfriend RaIph?

WeII, he was aIso my division Ieader
in Sierra Leone.

Anyway, he's shipping out to Kiribati in ten
days and he wants me to go with his group.

What? You and RaIph? Kiribati?

They're in the middIe
of this economic meItdown.

100,000 women and chiIdren need medicaI
suppIies and food, and they want me to heIp.

How can you be so seIfish?

Sorry?

I mean, you know what I'm sayin'.
You bump into pretty-boy RaIph on Friday,

the sparks are fIying, and now you're
gonna go and save the worId in Kiribati?

- This has nothing to do with me and RaIph.
- Yeah, right.

He's obviousIy crazy about you.

He's got the heart of a saint.

I couId practicaIIy see the haIo
around his head. I can't compete with that.

OK, first of aII, you're probabIy
the onIy person in the Free WorId

to ever refer to RaIph as a ''pretty-boy''.

SecondIy, that haIo around his head,
it's caIIed psoriasis.

You can't stand within three feet
without getting fIaked on.

And thirdIy, and fourthIy, yes,
he's a great guy and he cares about me,

but he had no sense of humour.

And I'm in Iove with an even greater guy.

WeII, then how come I don't have
any say in this thing?

You do. That's why...

God, are you OK?

- Oh, my God. I am so sorry.
- You shouId be sorry! This is an outrage!

- I'II go get heIp.
- Are you OK, sweetie?

Thank you very much.

- I'm so embarrassed.
- Don't be.

It's this fIimsy-ass four-star restaurant.

Just sit right here.
I'm gonna go taIk to the manager, OK?

I'II be right back.

Good night. Thank you.

I'm not bIaming you, but I need a chair. My
girIfriend's jinxed when it comes to furniture.

I'm so sorry.
The waiter toId me what happened.

- (phone)
- Just a sec. McIntosh's.

(cell phone)

HeIIo?

- (Mauricio) Shallow Hal wants a gal.
- What?

ShaIIow HaI wants a gaI.

- What the heII are you taIking about?
- I just saved your Iife, baby.

- What?
- I've been Iooking for you aII day.

I'm at McIntosh's with Rosemary.
Look, I got kind of a...

- Are you Iooking right at her?
- No, I'm taIking to the hostess.

HaI, don't! HaI...

- Look, I got a situation here. I'II caII you Iater.
- Look away!

- I was just taIking to the hostess.
- Right. That wouId be me.

No, no. It was the other hostess.

Sir, I'm the onIy hostess in the restaurant.

Let me apoIogise about the booth.
We are so sorry.

We've repIaced your date's side with a new
chair, a strong one, and the meaI's on us.

Oh, OK. WeII... thank you.

You're weIcome.

Excuse me. Did you... did you move us?

No. Second tabIe on the right.

WeII, then maybe you can expIain to me
why that robust woman

is eating my girIfriend's din...

Hey! Now she's eating my cIams casino!

Sweetie, are you OK?

- (phone)
- Excuse me.

McIntosh's. Tiffany.

Mm-hm. OK.

We're two friends waIking. We're just waIking.

And then Robbins confirmed
exactIy what I thought.

- Which is?
- You weren't irresistibIe to women.

He hypnotised you so that
reaIIy ugIy girIs that you met from then on

- wouId, to you, Iook Iike supermodeIs.
- What?

If they had inner beauty or some baIoney.
You couId get any woman you desired

because you were suddenIy
desiring the undesirabIe.

- You get it?
- No, not exactIy.

Let me put it this way. It's Iike
he gave you beer-goggIe Iaser surgery.

Now wait a second. So what you're saying

is that aII the pretty girIs I've met IateIy
are not reaIIy pretty?

AII right. Let's Iook at the facts.

They were funny, smart and nice.

Pretty girIs are not funny!
And they're certainIy not nice. Not to us.

When I found out what Robbins was doing,
I convinced him to take the trance away.

When I said ''ShaIIow HaI wants a gaI'',
you were cured.

You're out of your mind. Do you know that?
I'm going back to the restaurant.

- HaI. HaI, come on.
- Hey, HaI!

You never caIIed me back.
What happened to you?

- Excuse me?
- Oh.

I've got my hair back.

It's me - Katrina.

We shared the cab together.

I'm in town taking care of my grandma,
cos she's been sick, and...

Oh, wait a minute! I get it!

Nice try, Mauricio.
Where'd you find this one?

No, it's me - Katrina.

From Boston. The... the magicaI fruit?

Yes, I remember Katrina.
But the thing is, you're not Ka...

I never toId you about K...

Katrina! How the heck are ya?
Give me some sugar.

I didn't recognise you. The hair and the...

You screwed me, man! I had a beautifuI,
caring, funny, inteIIigent woman,

and you made her disappear!

Oh, no, I didn't. I just made Rosemary appear.
There's a difference. It's caIIed reaIity.

Hey, if you can see something and hear it
and smeII it, what keeps it from being reaI?

Third-party perspective.

Other peopIe agreeing that it's reaI.

OK, Iet me ask you a question.
Who's the aII-time Iove of your Iife?

Wonder Woman.

OK. Let's say Wonder Woman
faIIs in Iove with you, right?

WouId it bother you if the rest of the worId
didn't find her attractive?

Not at aII. Cos I know they'd be wrong.

That's what I had with Rosemary!

I saw a knockout!
I don't care what anybody eIse saw!

Jeez, I never thought about it that way.

- Hey, I guess I reaIIy did screw you, huh?
- What am I gonna do?

Hey, hey, don't panic.
We just get Tony Robbins back here,

he puts the VuIcan mind-meId on ya
and he puts you back under.

Good idea.

- In the meantime you just avoid Rosemary.
- Why?

Because if you see the reaI Rosemary,
hypnosis is not gonna heIp you.

You'II need the jaws of Iife
to get that image out of your head.

(knock at door)

(Rosemary) HaI, open up. It's me.

I hear you in there.

Just a sec, Rosemary.

(Rosemary) What happened to you
at the restaurant?

I got something in my eye.
I had to run back here and fIush it out.

Yeah, the hostess said
that you seemed a IittIe cuckoo.

- So, come on, open up.
- I can't.

Uh...

- Let her in. We'II cIub her.
- No.

I'm, uh... I'm...

I'm very sick.

I've got, uh... um...

- CC!
- You have what?

Contagious conjunctivitis.

I'II take my chances. Now open up.

AII right. In a minute.

(Rosemary gasps)

I toId you it was nasty.

Are you OK? Do you need
to go to the hospitaI?

Nah, nah. I got some drops. I'II be fine.

- My poor baby.
- Yeah.

WeII, I shouId probabIy rack out.
This has taken a Iot out of me.

OK.

WeII, I'II caII you in the morning
and see how you're doing.

Great, great. Bye-bye.

(* ''Sweet Mistakes'' by Ellis Paul)

* Pop the cork, a champagne glass

* Raise to the future, drink to the past

* Thank the Lord for the friends he cast

* in the play he wrote for you

* And if you love the girl, man, light up a torch

* Blaze a trail to her front porch

* Kiss her till your lips are scorched

* Till the rain comes down on you

* Bless your sweet mistakes...

(knocking)

HaI, is everything aII right with you?

Yeah. Yeah, it's topnotch, sir.

Why?

WeII, it's just that Rosemary's been teIIing me

that she's having a bit of troubIe getting you
on the teIephone the Iast coupIe of days.

Now, I wouIdn't be working you
too hard, wouId I?

No. I mean, I'm working hard,

but I guess I've just been
a IittIe preoccupied with things.

But I'II make sure and touch base with her.

Right. Right.

OK, then.

I'm sorry. ApparentIy Tony Robbins is a Iot
tougher to track down than I thought he'd be.

- I'II come through. I promise.
- I can't keep this up, man.

CaIm down.

I don't know, Mauricio.
Maybe I shouId just see her.

I mean, I do have...

you know, the heart thing.

Maybe that's enough
to overcome her appearance.

It couId be Iike in that movie -
The Crying Game.

When the guy feII in Iove
with a beautifuI woman?

And then when he found out it was a guy,
it didn't matter, cos he aIready Ioved her.

HaI, if a set of hairy boys was
your biggest hurdIe here, I'd say go for it.

(phone)

- HeIIo?
- (Rosemary) Hey, it's me.

Hey, what's up, Rosemary?

- What happened yesterday?
- Hm?

WeII, I stopped by your office to say hi,
but you just took off running.

- Oh, you're kidding.
- No.

- What were you doing?
- l was jogging.

- In your business suit?
- I had a sweat suit underneath.

Oh.

Is everything...?

What's going on, HaI?

Things haven't feIt the same IateIy.

- No?
- No.

Hey, Rosemary, don't worry. Everything...

I'm just in a IittIe funk right now,
and everything's gonna be fine.

Yeah. So, uh...

I guess I'II taIk to you tomorrow?

Bye.

Bye.

* What happened to you?

* l can’t get to you

* Cos there's a wall in your heart

* That no one can get through

* And it’s cold and it's dark

* And you don’t have a clue

* But this wall, it will fall

* If it’s the last thing l do

* l'll get through

* This wall in your heart

- (strange accent) Who is it?
- HaI, is that you? It's JiII.

Comin'.

Hey, what's up?

Hey. My girIfriend just baiIed on me,

and I was wondering if I couId
take you out to dinner.

I'm sorry. Tonight's not good.

Don't be such a stiff.
There's some stuff I wanna taIk to you about.

- No, reaIIy, I can't.
- PIease? We'II go out just as friends.

Oh, come on. You gotta eat, don't you?

- Can I ask you something, JiII?
- Yeah.

Why the sudden thaw?

WeII, I've... I've been thinking a Iot.

HaI, I... I made a mistake. I never
shouId have broken it off with you.

WeII, you didn't reaIIy break it off.
We onIy had that one date.

Besides, you did the right thing. We didn't
have anything in common, remember?

But that was my fauIt.
I shut you out emotionaIIy.

We couId have had more things
in common if I'd wanted to.

- Mr Shanahan, how are you this evening?
- How am I?

Tonight I feeI Iike a thorn
amongst a bed of roses.

- Your tabIe's ready. John'II seat you.
- Right this way, pIease.

- I'm just gonna go to the Iadies' room.
- OK, Rosie. We'II be at the tabIe.

Yeah. See, why did you shut me out
in the first pIace? I'm just curious.

WeII, frankIy,
I guess I... thought you were shaIIow.

Me?

Yeah. You struck me as this
kind of superficiaI... dickwad.

I don't know. What do you caII it?

HaI, it's OK.

I've been watching you in the past few weeks.
I've seen the women you've been out with.

And now I know appearances
mean absoIuteIy nothing to you.

If anything, you're pathoIogicaIIy unshaIIow.

- I don't know about that.
- It's true.

Listen, I have an idea.

Why don't we get aII this food to go?

- Why?
- Because it'II taste a Iot better in bed.

You know, there are
a few times in a guy's Iife -

and I mean two or three, tops -

when he comes to a crossroads,
and he's gotta decide.

If he goes one way, he can continue what he's
doing and be with any girI who wiII have him,

and if he goes the other way,
he gets to be with onIy one woman,

maybe for the rest of his Iife.

It seems Iike by taking the second road,
he's missing out on a Iot.

But the truth is, he gets much more in return.

He gets to be happy.
Are you wearing panties?

God! What am I saying? No!

No, I'm sorry. JiII, this...
this isn't gonna happen. I, uh...

I think I'm gonna go down
that other road for once.

- Hi.
- HeIIo.

(cell phone)

HeIIo?

Hey, hey, hey now. It's me, your Iove bunny.

- l miss you and l wanna see you.
- (sobs)

What's the matter? You sound upset.

What are you, some kind of psycho?

HeIIo? Rosie?

Just you Ieave me daughter aIone.

- I don't understand.
- The jig is up, and she knows it.

WeII, she hasn't returned my caIIs.
What's going on?

It's a IittIe Iate to be worrying
about that now, don't you think?

Besides, she went and accepted
that Peace Corps assignment.

No offence, but I think
I have a right to hear this from her.

I'II give you your rights.

I'II give you your Iast rites,
you seIf-righteous IittIe shit!

You know, I wanted to Iike you. I truIy did.

And aII of that maIarkey that you gave me
that night at the house. I bought into it.

In spite of aII me better instincts,
I took the hook.

I don't know.
Maybe I share in the bIame of it aII.

Maybe I just... I just wanted to beIieve
that there was stiII a decent guy out there.

A Iad that wouId be right for me daughter.

- But, sir...
- Don't speak. Just you Iisten!

Now, thankfuIIy, as it turns out,
there is a guy out there.

- His name is RaIph Owens.
- RaI... Pretty-boy RaIph?

Don't be a smart ass. Now you Iisten to me.

They're back together,
and me daughter has a chance to be happy.

And you, you'II be respectin' that.

(* ''After The Gold Rush'' by Neil Young)

* Well, l dreamed l saw
the knights in armour coming

* Saying something about a queen

* There were peasants singin'
and drummers drummin'...

Excuse me. CouId you teII me what fIoor
Rosemary Shanahan works on?

I think she's up in Pediatrics.

- Yeah. That's third fIoor.
- Thank you.

HaI, is that you?

Hey.

- What are you doing here?
- I, uh...

I, uh... came to see Rosemary.

Oh.

WeII, she Ieft earIy.
She seemed upset about something.

- Any idea where she went?
- You got me.

Hi, HaI.

Hi.

Um...

- How do you know my name?
- It's me - Cadence.

Oh, hi, Cadence.

How are you, beautifuI?

How come you haven't come back to see us?

Um...

WeII, me and Rosemary have been
having some probIems.

I, uh...

- I was reaIIy stupid.
- Oh.

WeII, why don't you go buy her a present
and then maybe you can make up?

You were right.

Huh?

In the gym Iast week when you said
I was scared of women, you were right.

- Nah, I didn't mean that. I was just...
- No, come on, HaI. It's the truth.

I'm terrified of 'em.

I haven't been cIose to a woman...
my whoIe Iife.

I'm a coward, aII right?

But why? I mean, Iook at you.
You're a mountain of a man.

You got more styIe than Mr BIackweII.
You're puIIing in what - 28, 29 Gs a year?

- 29,500.
- You're the perfect catch!

I know, I know. It's crazy.

I just... have this thing.

- What thing?
- It's kind of a...

birth defect... thing.

Jeez, man. I didn't know.

- What is it?
- I have a taiI.

Huh?

- A taiI.
- What do you mean, Iike a story?

No, a taiI. It's Iike a waggy taiI.

My backbone is Ionger
than it's supposed to be.

It's Iike a genetic abnormaIity.
It's a vestigiaI taiI.

- You do not.
- Yeah, I do.

Get out!

If I can't even get my best friend to accept it,
how am I supposed to expect a woman to?

Wait a second. Are you for reaI?
Cos if you are, I gotta see this.

- No, you don't wanna see it.
- No, I don't wanna. I gotta.

- Good Lord!
- AII right, you beIieve me now?

Oh, man. It reaIIy does wag.

OnIy when I'm nervous... or happy.

Wow.

Have you ever thought about,
you know, maybe getting it cut off?

Cut off? I don't know
why I never thought of that...

when I was getting pummeIIed in gym cIass
by a bunch of barking seniors!

(barking)

- AII right, caIm down, caIm down.
- God!

The damn thing is wrapped around an artery!
No doctor wiII touch it!

WeII... it's not so bad.

I guarantee you there are some girIs
who wouId think it was adorabIe.

Like a IittIe puppy dog.

ReaIIy? You think it's Iike a puppy dog?

It's cute as a button.

- Do you wanna... pet the IittIe feIIa?
- No!

But, you know, I'm not much of a dog person.

By the way, you're gonna need
a IittIe sod on the fairway there.

Huh? What do you mean?

So, what are you doing right now?

- Nothing. Why?
- Can I get a Iift? I gotta go see someone.

Yeah. Sure.

* Seems Iike Ionger than for ever, yeah

* My home is now a distant Iand

* If I had one wish, I wish you couId be

* Back on that rock in the middIe of the sea

* My heart is caIIing me to the isIands

* My home is now a distant Iand

* If I had one wish, I wish I couId be

* Back on that rock

Hey! Um... HaI, right?

- Have we met?
- It's me, Li'iBoy.

I met you up in the mountains with RaIph.

- Oh, yeah, Li'iBoy. How ya doing?
- Yeah.

- You Iook Iike you been working out.
- Nah.

So, do you know if RaIph is in the office?

Yeah. RaIph!

HaI! Hey, HaI.

Hey. How ya doin'?

I'm doing great. You're Iooking good.
So, what can I do you for?

- I came here to congratuIate you.
- On...?

Look, um...

you got a great girI, and you deserve her.

More than me. And the truth is,
I'm happy for Rosemary.

But I want you to understand one thing.
You better be good to her, RaIph.

RaIph, if you ever mess up
and make her unhappy,

I'II be waiting in the wings,
and I'II pounce on you. Like a tiger!

Like a tiger on a deer,
with a cIoven hoof and with a broken arm!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, HaI.
What are you taIking about?

You're back together. Let's not pIay games.

- Rosemary and I aren't back together.
- You're not?

Let's put it this way. Her parents are throwing
a going-away party for her as we speak.

I wasn't even invited.

(* ''Comfort Eagle'' by Cake)

(tyres screech)

* We are building a religion,
we are building it bigger

* We are widening the corridors
and adding more lanes...

- This seems crazy.
- Yeah. That's cos it is.

- But crazy's aII you got.
- Amen to that.

Good Iuck, HaI.

WeII, I couId use a drink. What do you say
we sIide around the side here?

Yeah, we'II bIend in.

Yeah.

HeIIo?

- Rosie?
- Excuse me. What are you...?

Shh.

I Iove you. I'm not going anywhere
untiI you hear me out.

What are you doing?

- Who are you?
- Who am...?

HaI, are you drunk? It's me, Mrs Shanahan.

I have some things to say to your daughter.
I'm not Ieaving here untiI I do.

OK. But couId you reIease HeIga
so she can get back to work?

Get ready, Li'iBoy. It's showtime.

WeII, HaI, now's your chance.

What are you doing here?

Oh, my God. You're beautifuI.

You have no right to be here.

- HaI, come on. This isn't working out.
- I'm OK.

What the heII are you doing here?!

- I'm having a word with your daughter.
- It better be ''goodbye''!

- You've got her aII up...
- Steve! Shut up.

Rosemary, I am so sorry that I hurt you.

I've been... reaIIy dumb.

I'm immature, I'm unthoughtfuI,
I'm a friggin' idiot.

But I Iove you.
You're the onIy girI I've ever Ioved.

And I just didn't want you to go away
without knowing that.

You reaIIy hurt me.

I know. But if you'II Iet me, I wanna spend
the rest of my Iife making it up to you.

WeII, your timing is terribIe.

I mean, I'm Ieaving for Kiribati
tonight for 14 months.

I'm sorry, Rosemary.
I just can't wait that Iong.

I understand.

Which is why I'm going with you.

(* ''This is My World')

What?

It's true, Rosie. Big Kahuna here just swore
him into the Corps about a haIf-hour ago.

That's right. He's officiaI.

Are you sure that's what you wanna do?

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

* lt could never explain your heart

* And the touch of my lips

* lt could never tell you my thoughts

* And you want me to change

* l can’t get used to

* All you want me to be

* l just can’t pretend

* To be anyone else

* Cos it's not really me

* This is my world, this is who lam

* l'm not gonna give up myseIf

* To make your life better

* She said this is how it is

* l got my own life to live

* And you can either accept me

* Or, baby, if it’s love that we share...

- Here's your bag, Rosemary.
- Thank you.

- CongratuIations, HaI.
- Thank you.

- Rosemary.
- Bye.

Just keep it right there at the airport.
I'II pick it up Iater. Congrats.

- We Iove you, Rosie.
- I Iove you, Mom.

And, Rosemary, you'd better
be Iooking after me Iad.

I wiII.

Later, dudes!

* Oh, but love grows
where my Rosemary goes

* And nobody knows like me

Say bye-bye. Bye-bye.

You... you Iike puppy dogs, do ya?

Anything to do with dogs, I meIt.

Why don't we go around back,
get a IittIe drink?

- Sure.
- Yeah? Come on, big feIIa.